No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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