I feel like I'm in dance class right now
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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