i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
