omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize