Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
