So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
