Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I touched a dick in church today
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
