Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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