I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
