Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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