1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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