you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
