just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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