So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
