I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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