I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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