your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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