seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
im on a boat
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