my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Randomize
