Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
