Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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