i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
