So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
