I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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