dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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