No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
