I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
