I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
