Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
