covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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