Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
