a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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