Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
