Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
