My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You ruined the universe
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
