apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
