Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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