No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she woke up with a sticky ear
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
