He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
