i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
