If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
