Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
