dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
