I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
