Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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