I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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