My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
