Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
