Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
