U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
