i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My liver just had a heart attack.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
