I love black thongs
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
