Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
