I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
