I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize