Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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