We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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