I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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