This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
