SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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