Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
