I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
